Open Letter from My Heart

For what it’s worth: It’s never too late to be whoever you want to be. I hope you live a life you’re proud of, and if you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start over.
— F. Scott Fitzgerald

Dear friends,

  Today marks two weeks that I have been in Boston.  I can't believe it.  In some ways it feels like it's been five minutes and in other ways it feels like it's been five years.  Everything is different and new and somethings are beautiful and others are shocking and jarring.  Before I left, so many of you asked me why I was going, including some of my closest friends... and I couldn't respond.  It was hard for me to put into words what was going on and why I was choosing to uproot my life and start something new in Boston... I was even having a hard time explaining it to myself.  After all, I wasn't going for a job or even with my partner, so why this move?  Why did I need to change everything?  

  Before I go into detail about my personal life and the things I will tell you here, I ask that no mean, critical or down-right shitty things be left in the comments below.  I am opening up my heart and life here and I ask for kindness and compassion in return... Please also recognize that this is an extremely abridged version of my life and relationship... so here goes...

  In truth, it wasn't until the last few days that it all started to make any sense to me.   Ev and I decided to separate a week ago and after he left, I was left to do some thinking.   Over the last 4 years that he and I spent together, I have grown and changed and discovered things about myself that I didn't have the courage or the support to do in previous times of my life.  He was witness to so many different parts and sides of me that I had never shown to any one else.  In some ways that type of support and acceptance can create such beautiful love and help a person to become a stronger more independent version of themselves and in other ways that can create a dependent, stifling situation.  Over the last 4 years, I have him to thank for so much of my personal growth and even my ability to accept who I am and embrace it.  

  A few years before Ev and I dated, I was in a relationship that was both sexually and emotionally very unhealthy.  I spent years ignoring the things that had happened in that relationship and refused to acknowledge how I felt.  I tried going to therapy 6 years ago, but I found that all I did was gossip and complain in each session rather than actually get to the "heart of it".  I have Everett to thank for finally giving me the love and support for me to not only be able to talk to him about it, but to also seek the help of a therapist that was so understanding and helpful to me in finally facing the truth of my past.  During my time in therapy, I realized that so many of my recent choices had been made out of fear.  Fear of outcomes, fear of making my own choices and mostly fear that being more of myself meant that others might suffer.  Over the last few years I have put a lot of effort, time and attention into bettering myself and growing into the woman I want to be, not someone who acts out of fear, but someone who acts out of love and strength. So much has changed in the last year for me, including, becoming a health coach, ending old, harmful friendships, calling out people who hurt me and also telling my family that I did not want to be associated with the religion in which I was raised (this was by far the most difficult). However, despite the personal growth I was experiencing, I was becoming more and more attached to Everett in every single way.  I started to become afraid to do anything without him and fear started to present itself in the weirdest of ways.  I was suddenly absolutely petrified of water, which was weird cause I had never felt scared before.  I was terrified of flying, I was terrified of traveling without him, I was terrified of just about everything outside of the farm and our cozy little bubble of a life and I found myself rushing home everyday just to be there and sit on the couch.  I started to resent him for it, for the fact that I no longer felt like I could or wanted to do anything on my own.  Now let me tell you, this experience was NOT fun for either of us at all.  

  You know that stupid phrase, the only thing to fear, is fear itself... I hate that so much, but seriously though, I was becoming afraid of everything and I didn't want that to be who I was. Up until recent years, I was actually a pretty adventurous person and maybe it was because I was always running from my truth, rather than facing it, but whatever it was, I didn't want to become a person who couldn't leave her house willingly.  As a health coach, I have the privilege of working with some absolutely incredible women.  As of now, I've worked with 8 awe-inspiring women who have all made INSANE changes to their lives.  I am so honored that I got to work with them and be witness to and support them in creating their dream lives... but there I was, feeling stifled and fearful... how could I let that be MY life??  So, that's when I decided to coach myself... and that's when I knew that I had to do something BIG in order to break out of this fear that was becoming pretty all consuming.  So, that right there, is how Boston came about.  Although it was NOT an easy thing for us to decide or come to agreement on, Ev and I knew it had to happen. That I needed to do things that scare me, that shake me and that remind me that the world is big and that I am brave.  I have cried nearly every day since being here.  Some days I cry because I am sad, others because I am so proud of myself, and others I cry because I am afraid that I will lose my life entirely as I knew it (including an incredible partner) in this experiment.  However, I know that this was what had to happen in my life.  I know that to be truly happy, I want to be self-sufficient, self-reliant and believe so strongly in myself that I don't quiver at the idea of trying something new... and most of all, I want to feel as though I am adding to the life of my partner and not just relying on him to fill mine up.

  Since being here, I am continuously shown that I must trust the timing of my life.  That I am becoming exactly who I am supposed to be and things are unfolding at the exact moment that I am ready for them.  I am rediscovering that I AM brave, and strong and totally capable.  It's so incredible to see how each one of my choices impacts my life.  Just being here last week, I saw how I was able to be a better health coach.  I know what it's like for my clients to implement change and newness into their lives, it is NOT always easy, but fuck, it is worth it.  

  

I want to encourage each and everyone of you to follow your heart and do the things that you can't stop thinking about.  Don't live out of fear or regret or spend it sitting on your couch.  Get up, face it all, experience every little thing that you can and it will be beautiful (even in the sadness).

Until next time- CHASE YOUR DREAMS AND EAT SOME GREENS

Mwah- JENI