Yesterday I moved into my new apartment. It is cozy, peaceful and everything I dreamed of, when I made the choice to come to Boston. When I arrived to get the keys and I took my first step inside, I had an overwhelming and beautiful thought. "THIS IS MINE. I DID THIS." I had never felt so overwhelmingly proud of myself before. I had never felt such deep feelings of true satisfaction, before. Seeing so clearly what my hard work, bravery (or insanity... depending on who you ask) and dedication created. It became so clear to me yesterday how much I have grown in this last month. Of course, there were tons of other emotions that followed that first thought... but my gut reaction was what this was all about: BEING ABLE TO FEEL PROUD OF MYSELF.
I wanted to write this blog today, for me. To write down all the things I have learned and experienced in the last month, as a direct result of daring to shake things up and finally face the shit I had been hiding from.
Here is the list of the things that I am most proud of:
Lesson 1: Realizing that, liking myself and feeling proud of myself is so vital to feeling happy & healthy. No amount of outside validation, love or bottomless compliments can replace the feelings of dislike or dissatisfaction within myself. Being able to wake up and say, "I like me", is the most incredible feeling in the world. I like my decisions, my gutsy-ness, my growth, my improved communication and patience with myself and others, etc.
Lesson 2: Realizing that, GOOD Communication is a must and how a grownup must behave. The meaning of "good" will differ depending on the context, maybe it's kind and patient or maybe it's direct and honest. Whatever it is, good communication is being able to get your point across, but also making sure that you are hearing what others are saying, feeling and asking for.
Lesson 3: Realizing that being defensive won't solve a gosh darn thing. It's inevitable that as humans we will fuck up, or on occasion be defensive about a mistake we made... however, I realized that being defensive was something I did, because I was so uncomfortable with myself. I felt like all I did was make mistakes and I wanted to hide from them, rather than confront them and grow. I thought that acknowledging my mistakes would make me unlovable and really, it's that I didn't love HOW I was being.
Lesson 4: Realizing that the best way to face the things I am afraid of, is to face them head on, immediately. Oh my gosh, I used to be the worlds BIGGEST procrastinator and would make endless excuses for myself or willingly let myself be distracted. Now, I find that I love accomplishing things as soon as they arise.
Lesson 5: Realizing that financial stability really does impact the way I feel about myself and how I view the world, and it's GOOD to really KNOW my finances. This month I will make more money that I have ever made before, by a lot. I see how it impacts my view of what's possible, of how I treat myself and that it aids in me feeling strong & competent. I used to fear looking at my finances because it was only going to show me where I was lacking and how childish I was. Now I enjoy keeping financial records and voting on what's important to me based on how I spend my hard-earned dollars.
Lesson 6: Realizing that a clean home is a happy home. If you have known me in any real capacity, you will know that I was never really a tidy person. Now I absolutely take pride in keeping the sink free of dishes, washing laundry and putting it away, immediately and that ultimately, the state of your home is a direct reflection of your emotional state.
Lesson 7: Realizing that true strength begins with emotional strength, which does not mean, not crying. Some might say that if you cry a lot, you're a weak person. What I've come to know over the last month, is that it takes great strength and perseverance to feel fear, sadness, regret, or despair and not make choices that keep you from feeling them- i.e. distracting myself, running from the feelings or wishing them away. Ultimately, the only way to grow from life, is to actually experience the experiences... feel the fucking feelings.
Lesson 8: Realizing that self love is more than liking your body. For so long I thought self love was totally about accepting your physical self. Maybe that was the first big obstacle for me, and without that, nothing was going to improve... but as of late, I realized that self love is about doing the things that will help you grow. Doing the things that are scary and doing the things that make you feel like a badass bitch, straight outta hell. (that's what I keep calling myself, anyway, and it sure feels good!)
Lesson 9: Realizing that all choices have real consequences. I'm not just talking about mistakes or failures. Each choice we make has real consequences that impact your life and everyone else's for that matter. Bad choices often lead to bad consequences, but don't forget, that good choices have good consequences too. For me my good choices such as going to yoga, eating REAL food, journaling, being honest, going after the things that scare me, all come with beautiful results, which are actually the consequences of my actions. Remember that.
I feel like a badass because of these things:
1. I walked (pretty far) to get to the Roslyndale Farmer's Market.
2. I biked to Whole Foods.
3. I biked to downtown (and the roads were a bit scary) and I even snapped at a shitty driver.
4. I figured out the stupid ticket machines for the T and was even able to eventually help a foreigner too.
5. I walked every morning, despite how tired I was.
6. I made friends with strangers.
7. I told an Uber driver that he was going the wrong way, made him turn around and gave him directions for how to get home... despite the fact that he said he wanted to trust his GPS.
8. I went running with a running group, on a reallllllly HOT day.
9. I learned a lot about wine and am now a pro at opening a bottle table side! BOYAH!
10. I looked at apartments and told relators to get real, I was like, "drop your price, cut your commission, no way.., etc" and ultimately found my dream place, cause I just wouldn't settle.
11. I drove a big moving truck, in Boston traffic.
12. I learned to support myself emotionally. That I don't need to have anyone else solve my problems, fix my situation or live the consequences for me.
13. I worked long, LATE hours.
BEST FOR LAST: I faced the things that scared me most and found out that I am seriously badass.
I just want to say, that if you aren't proud of your life, something needs to change. It takes a lot of courage and a little bit of insanity to make change in your life. But if you don't like you, if you don't wake up feeling like you are proud of who you are, it's time to evaluate what you need to do, to do so.
If you know you want to make changes in your life, but you don't know how to go about it or perhaps feel conflicted about the why... maybe we should have a chat. I'd love help you connect with your inner-badass B. Click here, let's chat.
Until next time- CHASE YOUR DREAMS AND EAT SOME GREENS