Each week, I ask myself what I want to share with you... I never want my blog to feel contrived or filled with fluff... I see it as a way of opening my heart to you, for me to offer support through my experiences and for us to have the opportunity to truly connect. This is not one sided, you can always comment and strike up a conversation, if you are in need or have the desire to. Although I was once horrified at the idea of sharing my experiences so intimately, I now view the things I was once so ashamed of, as my power and gift to the world... As I am currently deep into the creation process of the Killer Confidence Bootcamp I am reminded of what my life used to be like (and it sure wasn't pretty).
As I was on my morning walk today, it hit me that there is something I need to share... so today I want to throw it back... (ha ha, I didn't even realize it was #throwbackthursday until right now...)
When I look back on my early 20's, I remember what a struggle it was, just to simply exist. I had to constantly remind myself to put on a brave face, look happy, act happy... when inside I was a mess. I remember feeling so ashamed of myself, so unworthy, so hollow... constantly exhausted from all the make-believe.
As a healthy 30-something I feel sadness for my younger self and her inability to actually make meaningful connections with friends and kind, prospective romantic partners. After years of being told I wasn't good enough (thank you good 'ol fashion industry) I really started to believe it. I took on the beliefs that I wasn't worthy and that my body was all wrong... subsequently I started to believe that I didn't deserve to have opinions, that I wasn't supposed to express myself, that I didn't know what was right for me and that I had to just take what I was given... so it was then, in my early 20's that I found myself in a very harmful relationship. The truth is, I cried all the time. I was miserable. I knew the relationship was wrong and that a "man" putting me down or laying a hand on me, was not the relationship I wanted... but I thought that it was the type of relationship a "girl like me" deserved.
After 2 years in that relationship, I finally broke free (that's when I moved to the south of France- can I get a heck yeah!)
However, that experience haunted me for years and continued to play a role in how I interacted with others... I had so many dark secrets, so many things I felt deep remorse for, that I could never imagine sharing. I was so embarrassed about it all... about how insecure I was, how much I hated food, what a failure I felt like, that I had let someone abuse me, that I never had my own opinion on anything (cause that was really the safest way to keep hiding) and that I still loathed myself and blamed myself for it all...
I was MORTIFIED at the idea of ever having to share this "stuff". Hiding all of this history became my focal point and main goal. I don't know if you can relate, but let me tell you, having to hide shit like this is a MAJOR CAUSE OF ANXIETY. It was so hard to always be so closed off, so guarded and so calculated.
When I finally met my Bae, at 27, he said he wanted to know everything. So, on our 4th date, I said "you want to know my 'crazy', here ya go." The funny thing was, once I finally shared it all, the power dynamic shifted. These things I had been hiding so vigilantly, these "weaknesses" these major embarrassments, suddenly became my POWER.
As I started to share it with him, I realized that living through all of these things and surviving it all didn't make me a failure, it made me a fucking warrior. There I was, in my late 20's working diligently to change my story. Learning to value myself and daring to love myself.
Now I look back on all of it with the most loving and grateful heart. Those experiences, each and every single one of them were gifts from the universe. Here I am today, a stronger, wiser, more open and loving woman. I know what it feels like to be powerless and I will NEVER go there again. I own this life, I am in control of my own choices and I have the right to be happy and healthy. Best of all, these experiences have brought me to exactly where I am now, and life IS PRETTY!.
I now have an exceptionally loving, kind, patient and supportive partner. I can now say I fiercely LOVE this body, I love having opinions and I do NOT want to hide. I have beautiful friendships, that are raw and vulnerable and I connect with others on deep and meaningful levels. Plus, I found my PURPOSE in this life! I get to coach other women who need support in taking control back on their lives! I get to support them, guide them and show them true compassion and understanding. How freaking magical is that?!?
I know each and every single one of us has things we feel embarrassed about, that even in this moment the idea of sharing them may be terrifying. My advice to you is, learn to LOVE THEM! Learn to see these things as your GIFTS. I encourage you to share your stories, share your hardships and mishaps. Don't be ashamed of what you have lived through, these are the things that make you a warrior! I promise you, no matter how many others you think are "braver, stronger," or more "admirable" someone needs to hear your story.
With great LOVE & COMPASSION,
Whether you've had similar experiences or not, I want you to ask yourself if you've been giving up your power? Are you fully showing up as the owner of your life? Are you going after the life that you want? I created the Killer Confidence Bootcamp, using everything I've learned. I have poured my heart and soul and each one of my experiences into this program. I know how much insecurity hinders joy. I want you to be the most confident and happy woman possible, so that you can create a life that feels ridiculously cool to live. I want you to have the courage to go after everything you want- to write a book, change the fashion industry, run a marathon or finally experience a healthy relationship...
4 women have already registered, so that means there are only 6 spots left. If you want my guidance and support and the magic of a sisterhood dedicated to helping you feel confident, happy and wildly radiant, click this link to set up a time to chat with me. I am beyond excited to run this program and to help you take the control of your life back! xx