Admitting Truths and Nourishing Myself

 I love making myself feel special, by making trays to celebrate my meals! 

I love making myself feel special, by making trays to celebrate my meals! 

Since I was 15 years old, I've struggled with anxiety.  Sometimes, I'll go a considerable length of time where I don't deal with it at all and then, there will be times that it is relentless and I wake up anxious and out of sorts day in and day out.  The last two weeks have been the relentless kind... I have felt so out of sorts and really, downright miserable.  

For a few days, I blamed it on my impending period and said "gosh, I am so crazy."  But, then, two days ago, I had a chat with an accountability partner (thanks Brenda) who said to me "you've been saying the same things since January, do you know that?"  That's when it hit me, I had been saying the exact same things since the very first week of January and I hadn't done a damn thing about it. 

I had told Brenda back in the beginning of the year that I was run ragged, working way too much, felt totally depleted and that I knew somethings at the juicebar needed to change... I even told her very specific things about the JB that needed to change... and here I was, at the beginning of March and nothing had changed.  

That's when the glorious "ah-ha moment" struck.  I was anxious because I knew what I wanted and needed and I wasn't speaking that truth!  I was actually making decisions based out of fear.  The fear that people would say I was a bad business owner, that I didn't know what I was doing, or simply annoy them for making, yet another change (in 7 months of being open).  

But the truth of it is, NO ONE knows our numbers, no one knows what is going on at the shop, nor does anyone have to deal with the stresses and realities of our business, ONLY I DO.  So what I decided was, who gives a "rat's ass" what anyone thinks of my choices, because I am the only one who has to live with them.   Also, ultimately, I know these choices will move my business and life further in the direction I want to go!  Besides, I want to live a life that feels intentional, and being stressed to the max, is NOT my intention.  So, today, I announced that we are shortening our hours and getting rid of my number one stress: our quinoa bowls.  Holy shit, I feel like I can breathe.  

I feel so relieved to finally have those truths out there.  To be making choices that make sense to me and the life I desire.

If I'm honest, I don't think I was capable of this back in January because I was taking such poor care of myself.  I was disconnected from my power and truths, because I was choosing to neglect my needs... in the last 5 weeks, I have finally reprioritized breaking a sweat and in the last few days, really prioritized cooking and eating really delicious and beautiful meals.  I remembered how fun and important it is to make myself feel like a self-priority (is that a word??).  The more I am willing to care for myself, the easier it is for me to speak up for myself.  It's interesting, the more I care for myself, the easier I find it to express my needs without feeling as though I need to defend my choices.  An employee today asked what she should tell customers in regards to why we are no longer going to sell quinoa bowls... I told her to say whatever made her feel comfortable, but ultimately, she could just say "because I made the decision not to."  BOOM.  

I love the self-care-domino-effect.  It's really, fucking empowering.  

xx,

punkie 

Reality Check

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I can not believe that I haven't written since January 23rd.  It's so freaking crazy how fast the beginning of this year has gone.  I've honestly never experienced anything quite like it.  The last 7 months have been a complete tornado.  The Days feel never ending but the weeks fly by in a flash.  

The point of this blog is to keep me on track with caring for myself and I am so excited to check in and say, I'm kicking ass in the exercise department!  The last 5 weeks have been so amazing!  I am seriously so freaking impressed with my dedication.

Back in January, my girl Lissy, told me that she was going to commit to an 8 week workout program starting February 5th and asked if I would be her accountability partner. I was so freaking excited and also really nervous.  I was scared that I wouldn't commit, that I would allow for the juice bar and all of my to-do's to get in the way and that I would bail on her... 

To my surprise, I have not done that.  I have committed whole heartedly and have loved every minute of it.  Honestly, I am obsessed!  I have been waking up at 5:45 every morning, and immediately getting on my mat and hitting play on whatever my workout is.  On a few occasions I've even done an afternoon workout (after my morning workout and a full day at the shop!).  I have never done that before.  This time around also seems really fun!  I can't wait to settle in on the coach after a long day, to plan out my workouts for the next morning.  I wake up eager to workout and check in with Lis, and to chat about our workouts and plans for the day.  I've also, not felt any form of guilt at all, if I wake up and need a rest day.  It all feels so love based, rather than the need to change myself... like I have experienced in the past.  

I want to give myself a quick congratulatory cheer.  One of my goals is to move up to having 8 lb dumbbells and I have already done that in week 4, for several of the exercises.  After breaking my spine in 3 places (11 years ago), I have had a weak back and upper-body.  Or at least that's what I told myself.  Now I am pushing myself, asking myself to prove the fear wrong.  And it is fucking awesome to push past self-imposed limits!!! 

Another major plus I have experienced is how much easier it has become for me to set boundaries in other areas of my life, which was so freaking needed.  And, I am not even giving explanations or trying to justify the boundary... just stating it matter-of-factly!!  


I'm writing this blog today, because in truth, I am having a hard few days... I am anxious beyond belief, angry past the point of reason and feeling really deeply sad.  My cycle is very irregular and when my period finally does come around, I am effected so intensely that my normal anxiety is blown waaaaaaaay up!  Today for instance there has been immeasurable anger, tears, frustration, panic and need for hugs... I literally cried and shook at the gym today when I couldn't find the workout that I saved to my camera roll.... like actually couldn't think rationally.  

It's such a hard thing to deal with at times.  Knowing that everything is OK, but knowing that I can't see the forest for the trees (or whatever that stupid phrase is).  

It's at moments like these, when everything feels hard that my inner critic comes back to life... and I have to continuously beg myself to choose compassion for myself, rather than disappointment. 

So I am writing this post, as a way of recognizing  ALL the little things I have done right for myself over the last 5 weeks and to just say "it's OK baby, it will all be OK."  

 

Much love,

 

PUNKIE 

You can't always feel like the HBIC

                                  In bed for day 5, no shower, but I did finally brush my teeth! 

                                 In bed for day 5, no shower, but I did finally brush my teeth! 

Today is Tuesday.  I've been in bed with a fever and the most horrible chest cold, since Friday night (yes, that's how we spent my birthday).

I'm currently struggling with the wisdom of my best self and the not-so-great-habbits of my "weaker-self"- the habits such as, choosing stress, striving and pushing myself beyond what is healthy all in the name of "success".

As I am laying in bed, allowing my body to do what needs to be done to heal, I am proud of myself for knowing what she needs and giving it to her.  I'm also, beyond fucking lucky that I have a hero for an employee who is an actual Godsend and my business can afford to pay her while I read books and sleep 23.5 hours a day...  But then, there's this shallow, scared voice at the back of my head that is shouting at me, that my lack of stressful action (not working 12-20 hour days) this week is ultimately going to lead to the failure of my business.  

I know, that my truth is not found at the bottom of my fear spiral... actually, the most wonderful cases of success have been when my decisions and actions come from my heart in a very uncomplicated, not overthought way.

Yet, I can align with fear, doubt, resentment and a shitty outlook with the best of them... so, as I'm healing, it's been pretty hard to not feel completely freaked out- thinking that me "taking it easy" is totally selfish and will ultimately lead to my business falling apart.

Something I always ask myself is why I want to push so fucking hard?  I would never tell a friend who was this sick, that she's a fuck-up or just isn't willing to work hard enough, because she is resting and taking care for herself...  Yet, those are the words I have whirling around at the back of my head.  Shitty names, telling myself I don't have what it takes, I'm not smart enough to figure x,y,z out, we should have more money in the bank, etc etc. 

It's so Goddamned exhausting to align with fear.

If I allow myself to speak honestly, there is a secret part of me that feels relieved to have gotten sick... I laid in bed with Everett this morning watching The Bachelor.  Laughing hysterically about how annoying we find Crystal to be and how "Villain's got Vill...".

I know myself well enough to know, I wouldn't have allowed myself to read an entire book this week or watch the Bachelor in bed on a Tuesday morning, with all the "work" I could be doing... but I actually couldn't do anything, I can't really even walk up and down the stairs without getting winded.  So, at least I have an "excuse" for relaxing, because how dare I relax without an actual reason forcing me to.

Something I've come to realize is that part of self love is having the courage to face my "demons".  To truly look at my limiting beliefs and hurtful habits and acknowledge that I want more for myself. And I do want more for myself.  I want to not need to get knocked on my ass, before I start treating myself to a great book or spending time laughing with my hilarious and delicious fiance and I don't want to allow fear to be what propels me forward.  I want JOY, I seriously want to know what it is to live in gratitude and not just wear it as a catchy phrase on my favorite crop top.  

So although, I can't say I went for a jog or worked on a goal today, I can say that I practiced self-love, because I had to make my way through some pretty rough self doubt... and then watched a great movie.

 

xx,

Punkie 

The Beginning!

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Yesterday was my 33rd birthday.  I've been avoiding talking about and acknowledging this birthday.  I have never cared about age before.  I didn't freak out when I turned 25 or 30, so why now at 33, was it so freaking hard for me?

Over the last 5 years, I have been on a pretty epic journey in finding my truths.  My truth in regards to all aspects of my life.  My spiritual beliefs, my relationship and beliefs around money, my deep seeded emotional traumas, busting out of all my self-limiting beliefs and revoking my own forms of patriarchy.  It's been one hell of a journey and I am so lucky to have had my strong partner by my side.  He, has, at times, been the catalyst, the buffer and my safe-haven through it all.  Plus, I have made some of the most life-altering friendships that I thank Goddess for, because these women are absolute magic.

2017 was a year of unbelievable growth and change and I can not write it all out here.  One thing i will mention is the fact that I bought a business and dove in head first!  Let me tell you what, if you want to test your resilience, start a freaking brick and mortar.  This blog post is not to reflect on Nourish Juicebar, this post is to commit myself to something, for myself.

One thing I learned over the last 6 months, is that I struggggggggle with setting healthy boundaries.  I give and give and give and I can and will always find a reason to cancel the
"nice thing I had planned for myself" in order to get more work done.

There were even times that I went against what I KNEW was best for my health to keep pushing and that's how, I started this year working 102 hours, in the first week and how I now find myself on the couch with the flu (again) yes, I had a different version of it last week.

Over the last 3 weeks, I was subconsciously reflecting on how poorly I was caring for myself.  I was scared shitless that a birthday was approaching and I would have to admit that I had been neglecting myself hardcore for the last 6 months.  As a health coach and the owner of a health-centric business, I felt like a fraud and so fucking resentful of my lack of self-concern.  This is NOT the example I wanted to set for my customers, my future babies, or the level of stress I wanted to be living at.  This was absolutely NOT how I ever envisioned treating myself or how I ever wanted to show up in my relationship... yet, I had made all sorts of excuses to allow it to happen.  It was a painful realization, that I was the ONLY ONE IN CHARGE OF IT ALL.  How I felt, how I showed up, how I allowed things to play out... no one to blame- that is a super shock!

So, here I am, returning to one of the things I love most.  WRITING.  Writing has been my therapy for nearly 2 decades, I have countless journals stashed away in boxes.

I dedicate this year to loving on myself hardcore!  I here by dub this year: the self love project!

I plan to do this by valuing and honoring my needs and desires.  No more pushing, no more striving, no more choosing stress over gratitude.  This year I will take amazing fucking care of myself!

This blog is for me!  I will not write in an authoritative way, I will not write to give guidance or advice, this is simply for me to hold myself accountable to my needs.  I will check in daily, to keep track of the ways in which I cared for myself or, let's face it, the ways I struggled, cause baby ain't perfect.

Here's to the start of my 33rd year! 

Now, I'm excited!

 

This year's motto: Self Care is True Success!

 

 

xx, Punkie