Today is Tuesday. I've been in bed with a fever and the most horrible chest cold, since Friday night (yes, that's how we spent my birthday).
I'm currently struggling with the wisdom of my best self and the not-so-great-habbits of my "weaker-self"- the habits such as, choosing stress, striving and pushing myself beyond what is healthy all in the name of "success".
As I am laying in bed, allowing my body to do what needs to be done to heal, I am proud of myself for knowing what she needs and giving it to her. I'm also, beyond fucking lucky that I have a hero for an employee who is an actual Godsend and my business can afford to pay her while I read books and sleep 23.5 hours a day... But then, there's this shallow, scared voice at the back of my head that is shouting at me, that my lack of stressful action (not working 12-20 hour days) this week is ultimately going to lead to the failure of my business.
I know, that my truth is not found at the bottom of my fear spiral... actually, the most wonderful cases of success have been when my decisions and actions come from my heart in a very uncomplicated, not overthought way.
Yet, I can align with fear, doubt, resentment and a shitty outlook with the best of them... so, as I'm healing, it's been pretty hard to not feel completely freaked out- thinking that me "taking it easy" is totally selfish and will ultimately lead to my business falling apart.
Something I always ask myself is why I want to push so fucking hard? I would never tell a friend who was this sick, that she's a fuck-up or just isn't willing to work hard enough, because she is resting and taking care for herself... Yet, those are the words I have whirling around at the back of my head. Shitty names, telling myself I don't have what it takes, I'm not smart enough to figure x,y,z out, we should have more money in the bank, etc etc.
It's so Goddamned exhausting to align with fear.
If I allow myself to speak honestly, there is a secret part of me that feels relieved to have gotten sick... I laid in bed with Everett this morning watching The Bachelor. Laughing hysterically about how annoying we find Crystal to be and how "Villain's got Vill...".
I know myself well enough to know, I wouldn't have allowed myself to read an entire book this week or watch the Bachelor in bed on a Tuesday morning, with all the "work" I could be doing... but I actually couldn't do anything, I can't really even walk up and down the stairs without getting winded. So, at least I have an "excuse" for relaxing, because how dare I relax without an actual reason forcing me to.
Something I've come to realize is that part of self love is having the courage to face my "demons". To truly look at my limiting beliefs and hurtful habits and acknowledge that I want more for myself. And I do want more for myself. I want to not need to get knocked on my ass, before I start treating myself to a great book or spending time laughing with my hilarious and delicious fiance and I don't want to allow fear to be what propels me forward. I want JOY, I seriously want to know what it is to live in gratitude and not just wear it as a catchy phrase on my favorite crop top.
So although, I can't say I went for a jog or worked on a goal today, I can say that I practiced self-love, because I had to make my way through some pretty rough self doubt... and then watched a great movie.