Reality Check


I can not believe that I haven't written since January 23rd.  It's so freaking crazy how fast the beginning of this year has gone.  I've honestly never experienced anything quite like it.  The last 7 months have been a complete tornado.  The Days feel never ending but the weeks fly by in a flash.  

The point of this blog is to keep me on track with caring for myself and I am so excited to check in and say, I'm kicking ass in the exercise department!  The last 5 weeks have been so amazing!  I am seriously so freaking impressed with my dedication.

Back in January, my girl Lissy, told me that she was going to commit to an 8 week workout program starting February 5th and asked if I would be her accountability partner. I was so freaking excited and also really nervous.  I was scared that I wouldn't commit, that I would allow for the juice bar and all of my to-do's to get in the way and that I would bail on her... 

To my surprise, I have not done that.  I have committed whole heartedly and have loved every minute of it.  Honestly, I am obsessed!  I have been waking up at 5:45 every morning, and immediately getting on my mat and hitting play on whatever my workout is.  On a few occasions I've even done an afternoon workout (after my morning workout and a full day at the shop!).  I have never done that before.  This time around also seems really fun!  I can't wait to settle in on the coach after a long day, to plan out my workouts for the next morning.  I wake up eager to workout and check in with Lis, and to chat about our workouts and plans for the day.  I've also, not felt any form of guilt at all, if I wake up and need a rest day.  It all feels so love based, rather than the need to change myself... like I have experienced in the past.  

I want to give myself a quick congratulatory cheer.  One of my goals is to move up to having 8 lb dumbbells and I have already done that in week 4, for several of the exercises.  After breaking my spine in 3 places (11 years ago), I have had a weak back and upper-body.  Or at least that's what I told myself.  Now I am pushing myself, asking myself to prove the fear wrong.  And it is fucking awesome to push past self-imposed limits!!! 

Another major plus I have experienced is how much easier it has become for me to set boundaries in other areas of my life, which was so freaking needed.  And, I am not even giving explanations or trying to justify the boundary... just stating it matter-of-factly!!  

I'm writing this blog today, because in truth, I am having a hard few days... I am anxious beyond belief, angry past the point of reason and feeling really deeply sad.  My cycle is very irregular and when my period finally does come around, I am effected so intensely that my normal anxiety is blown waaaaaaaay up!  Today for instance there has been immeasurable anger, tears, frustration, panic and need for hugs... I literally cried and shook at the gym today when I couldn't find the workout that I saved to my camera roll.... like actually couldn't think rationally.  

It's such a hard thing to deal with at times.  Knowing that everything is OK, but knowing that I can't see the forest for the trees (or whatever that stupid phrase is).  

It's at moments like these, when everything feels hard that my inner critic comes back to life... and I have to continuously beg myself to choose compassion for myself, rather than disappointment. 

So I am writing this post, as a way of recognizing  ALL the little things I have done right for myself over the last 5 weeks and to just say "it's OK baby, it will all be OK."  


Much love,