Admitting Truths and Nourishing Myself

 I love making myself feel special, by making trays to celebrate my meals! 

I love making myself feel special, by making trays to celebrate my meals! 

Since I was 15 years old, I've struggled with anxiety.  Sometimes, I'll go a considerable length of time where I don't deal with it at all and then, there will be times that it is relentless and I wake up anxious and out of sorts day in and day out.  The last two weeks have been the relentless kind... I have felt so out of sorts and really, downright miserable.  

For a few days, I blamed it on my impending period and said "gosh, I am so crazy."  But, then, two days ago, I had a chat with an accountability partner (thanks Brenda) who said to me "you've been saying the same things since January, do you know that?"  That's when it hit me, I had been saying the exact same things since the very first week of January and I hadn't done a damn thing about it. 

I had told Brenda back in the beginning of the year that I was run ragged, working way too much, felt totally depleted and that I knew somethings at the juicebar needed to change... I even told her very specific things about the JB that needed to change... and here I was, at the beginning of March and nothing had changed.  

That's when the glorious "ah-ha moment" struck.  I was anxious because I knew what I wanted and needed and I wasn't speaking that truth!  I was actually making decisions based out of fear.  The fear that people would say I was a bad business owner, that I didn't know what I was doing, or simply annoy them for making, yet another change (in 7 months of being open).  

But the truth of it is, NO ONE knows our numbers, no one knows what is going on at the shop, nor does anyone have to deal with the stresses and realities of our business, ONLY I DO.  So what I decided was, who gives a "rat's ass" what anyone thinks of my choices, because I am the only one who has to live with them.   Also, ultimately, I know these choices will move my business and life further in the direction I want to go!  Besides, I want to live a life that feels intentional, and being stressed to the max, is NOT my intention.  So, today, I announced that we are shortening our hours and getting rid of my number one stress: our quinoa bowls.  Holy shit, I feel like I can breathe.  

I feel so relieved to finally have those truths out there.  To be making choices that make sense to me and the life I desire.

If I'm honest, I don't think I was capable of this back in January because I was taking such poor care of myself.  I was disconnected from my power and truths, because I was choosing to neglect my needs... in the last 5 weeks, I have finally reprioritized breaking a sweat and in the last few days, really prioritized cooking and eating really delicious and beautiful meals.  I remembered how fun and important it is to make myself feel like a self-priority (is that a word??).  The more I am willing to care for myself, the easier it is for me to speak up for myself.  It's interesting, the more I care for myself, the easier I find it to express my needs without feeling as though I need to defend my choices.  An employee today asked what she should tell customers in regards to why we are no longer going to sell quinoa bowls... I told her to say whatever made her feel comfortable, but ultimately, she could just say "because I made the decision not to."  BOOM.  

I love the self-care-domino-effect.  It's really, fucking empowering.